There is no cure for curiosity.

Benjamin Franklin, in a 1773 letter, expressed regret that he lived “in a century too little advanced, and too near the infancy of science” that he could not be preserved and revived to fulfill his “very ardent desire to see and observe the state of America a hundred years hence.”

You have NO idea…

How much I want her to marry this boy. (Once they are both in their mid-thirties or so.)

Serendipity.

When I think about the world and how big it can seem, I know I can get through it all with my best friend right next to me.

We started out as little kids and watched each other grow, and anywhere I went with you I felt like I was home.

We won’t worry about our future, or fret about our past.

We’ll enjoy our time together knowing that this quietness will last.

Appreciating the Differences

The tickles from the butterflies in my fingertips are almost too much to take, therefore tonight, I write.

The little voice I have inside my head (the one opposite to Mr. Sean Connery) raises her call sometimes to request that I not be so neglectful of her when she appears. After all, she only comes around when she’s needed – to remind me that present circumstances neither require, nor dictate behaviours previously employed. And I love her for how gently she suggests to me that those (re)actions are the least effective way to resolve past hurts.

Not entirely unrelated, but separate of (and quite distinct from the above), I will conclude tonight’s candidness and veracity with the following words from someone who has been (and will unquestionably remain) very dear to my heart:

Soft and sweet, strong and salty.
Cool cream, hot coffee.
When we come together, there’s a change.
I know you’re good for me, you change me like the weather.
You change me for the better, we’re good together.

Drift and dream, or drive with directions.
Exploration or introspection.
No one way to win within this game.
I know you’re good for me, you spin me off my tether.
You change me for the better, we’re good together.

Would you please explain it one more time?
I love the wild surprise of seeing through your eyes!

One from Mars, one from Venus.
The whole world between us.
Sparks that bridge the difference feeds the flame.

I know you’re good for me, you spin me off my tether.
You change me for the betterwe’re good together.

Am I afraid of what I am capable or incapable of?

I started writing many years ago and thanks to various changes in circumstances, lifestyle, and mental health, I’ve found passion for it again. The following comes partially from a short letter I wrote to someone very dear to me several years ago. The rest is an… expansion? Explosion? Expansive explosion? I’m not sure.

“The older I grow, the more I notice how fast time passes. I’ve spent so much time thinking about when the day will come that my life is all that I want it to be. Only, as each day passes, I find myself growing more and more fearful that the mental snapshot of what my life should be may never be realized. I’ve become far too focused on thinking about the day I make that realization and not nearly focused enough on cultivating life itself into what I want it to be!

Typically, I do not think of myself as a fearful person. Unless, of course, I am thinking!”

How is it, that as human beings, we are all too often found guilty of these very same thought processes? Where do we learn these sticky thoughts that do nothing but limit our potential, hinder our growth, and keep us afraid that we are unworthy of love and/or life? Where did these voices come from that yell but with barely a whisper, immediately shutting us down, defeating us so strongly that we quickly learn to listen, thereby becoming afraid of anything that may force us to reach out and ask for help?

It’s one thing to notice these thoughts and voices and to make the realizations it takes to ask these questions in the first place. It is quite another to undo the damage that the above creates.

Personally, I have come to the realization that there are at least two necessary variables needed to simplify this expression — t and c.

The t represents time and the c represents choice.

Much in the way that I have not gained a lot of weight or lost a lot of weight in a matter of days or weeks, matters such as these simply take time. Now that I have made this realization, I can allow myself to accept this. I can stop being willful and fighting against something of which I have zero control over. And this willingness gives me extra time so that I can devote it to matters more important, like choice.

Rather than question if I am more afraid of my capability or my incapability, from now on I will choose to spend my time assuming the role of my own catalyst to implement the steps needed to impact my own change. And this will be fabulous.

Living Juicy (or Juicier?)

I came across an assortment of notes, ideas, and pictures I have had tucked away in my well-worn (and much loved) copy of Living Juicy: Daily Morsels for Your Creative Soul. I must have jotted down the following hand-written snippet 5 or 6 years ago now:

I never half ass anything. If I make an effort, I give it everything I have. I don’t expect that from others but that’s just how I roll. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Time changes us. Life changes us. Every passing moment changes us (whether we recognize these changes as they are happening or not). It’s nice to be reminded though that sometimes, some things don’t change (or change so little that the change is impossible to notice). This little snippet that I’ve had tucked away for all these years still rings every bit as true as the day I put the ink on the paper and that makes me smile. There are realizations that I’m making day by day that haven’t ever occurred to me (or occurred to me so long ago that they seem brand new and shiny again). It feels like it was longer than a lifetime ago that I was good – not just to myself but for myself. It’s been far too long since I required myself to be gentle (or at least more gentle) with myself.

Time has changed me. Life has changed me. Every passing moment I have lived has changed me (whether I recognized these changes as they were happening or not). But this truth has a foundation strong enough to have weathered time and life and more passing moments than I will ever be able to count. I dare say that I think this is progress.

Everything Is Sound

I took this picture today and absolutely adore the way it turned out. Erica, my future sister-in-law, is an incredible photographer and has so generously offered to do family portraits after she and my nephew finally get settled in to their new home here in Texas. I can’t wait for all 7 of us to pile onto our bed with this quote on the wall as a perfect backdrop.

It’s a song that I’ve forgotten often.
It doesn’t make me wrong ’cause we all need the darkness –
to see the light.

What a crazy random happenstance!

Thank you for giving me one of the best birthiversary presents I’ve received in a long while. The mix tape you gave me makes me smile every time I start my car.

Welcome Home

My middle-little brother will be landing in Texas within the hour, after spending the last year in Afghanistan.

I am glad we now only live about an hour apart. (Much better than the distance between Ft. Hood and San Antonio.)

I am thrilled that he’ll be moving his future wife and little boy from Tennessee to the area in August. (It’s difficult to be an aunt with my one and only nephew halfway across the country! Also, since I never got a sister out of all of the children my mother had, I’m thrilled to at least have a sister-in-law. Additionally, I think I’ve convinced them that settling in San Antonio is a poor choice. Best to move to the Austin-ish area – it’s way better.)

I am greatly looking forward to Coraline and Halsey growing up around their one-and-only cousin. (Hayden is less than 2 months older than Coraline and is exactly 1 year and 3 days older than Halsey. I can just imagine what they’ll be like once they start elementary school, especially since Cora and Hayden will be in the same grade. ADORBZ.)

I am joyful, I am thankful, but most of all, I am relieved. (Thank you universe.)

A Milestone

Hey Super Chunk! You officially slept through the night last night. While your loud baby noises woke me up at 3:30 this morning (and subsequently made me get out of bed to take you into the front room), you never actually woke up! This is progress.

Now, let’s agree to doing that again tonight (and FOREVER).

Deal?

P.S. Might I also add that, try as I might, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So you know what I did? I WENT RUNNING! It was glorious (due to temps in the low 70s) and awful (due to the humidity being in the upper 70s). And then? I went shopping to pick up a few things we’re going to need today in order to make it to our playdate at the splashpad (i.e., snacks, formula, and energy drinks). I was certain that by the time I got home, that you’d be awake with your father on the couch. But, nope! You (and the rest of the house) were still fast asleep. Also? It’s 8 a.m. now and you are STILL sleeping. Way to go Super Chunk!

P.P.S. Your littlest big sister also started sleeping through the night at 2 months of age, so I’m really optimistic that you’ll continue the trend. DO NOT LET ME DOWN!