Dear You

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Dear (Fuck) You

Posted by January 25, 2012

Dear You,

Look, asshole. I’m not exactly sure why you’ve decided to make your presence known around these parts again, but I would just like to make one thing very clear. You, under no circumstances, are absolutely and unequivocally not welcome here. You are nothing but vile, wretched, and deceitful and I have no use or room for such nonsense. I hate the way you have so easily crept back in to my life and I hate even more how easily you linger, long after I have acknowledged your most unwelcome company.

The thing is, it always seems as though you afford no effort in worming your way back… So why is it so difficult to get rid of you? You are a virus for which there is no cure. Try as I might, all efforts to inoculate myself against your existence have clearly been futile. I am always left puzzled at how you manage to keep coming back. One would think at some point that I’d have learned how to recognize the symptoms of your return. It never fails to amaze me at how adept you are at lurking in the shadows, never truly making yourself known until I am falling apart at the seams and furiously trying to knit myself whole again.

I suppose that the lesson here is knowing how to handle myself when you’ve (once again) successfully infiltrated my life. I’m here to tell you though that I will not tolerate your occupancy and I am actively doing everything I can to rid myself of your poison. I hate you and I hate everything you are capable of. And from this moment forward, I will no longer let you feed off of everything that I have worked so hard to cultivate. This time I will not give you the power to ruin any aspect of my life. You will never ever be worthy of any more of my time.

In short, you can go fuck yourself.

Kisses!

– Julie

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Aye <3

Posted by December 19, 2011

Despite everything, I was thinking the other day about how glad I was that things have happened as they have.

I would hate to have spent the rest of my life wondering what could have been and thinking of you as the one who got away.

I love you Derek Marshall Dukes. ♥

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Month 4

Posted by September 27, 2011

Dear Baby C,

Did you see what I did there? Yep, you got it! I done up and skipped Month 3 completely because, come on, was Month 3 really much different than Month 2? OK, so maybe it was a little different. I mean, once you got to about 13 weeks old you started doing this thing that I can only describe as baby voodoo magic. Since about a week after you made it to 3 months, you started sleeping through the entire night. Super Baby, all I can say is THANK YOU. You started sleeping from about 9 or 10 p.m. until around 6:30 to 7:30 a.m. Let me just say that your Timing (with a capital T) couldn’t have been any better because right around that time, for some reason I started experiencing the WORST episodes of insomnia. I would literally get 2-3 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period and after a few days of that turning into a few weeks, I would have sworn that I wasn’t even human anymore. Thankfully the insomnia has gotten marginally better over the last couple of days. I hope getting 5-6 hours of sleep at night continues (or improves), because also right around your 3-month mark, I started becoming even more exhausted than I already was. I’m talking soul-crushing fatigue so awful that even thinking about moving my body made me want to weep a mixture of broken glass and isopropyl alcohol tears. And then, your father and I realized the root cause of these effects. In April of 2012, likely before you even turn 11 months old, you’re going to be a big sister. You’re welcome!

One of the things we’ve learned about you is that you are never content to just lay around and observe the world around you. Nope. Instead, you always have to be in the middle of everything going on. So, your father and I decided to go ahead and get you an exersaucer. Never mind the fact that you were still far too small for the thing; after you got to sit in it for the first time, you spent damn near a week staring at it and smiling longingly every single time you’d notice it. If you don’t believe me, go ask your dad. You did the same thing when we bought your first stroller when you were almost 3 months old. Whenever it was out, your eyes would lock on to it and you’d just smile and coo. But, true to your nature, it didn’t take long for you to grow bored with whatever the latest toy we’d bought you, and since you like to jump on your father’s testicleeze every time you’re in his lap, we went for the safest baby product ever invented: a jumper. I was at school the evening that it was delivered, but as soon as I got home I just had to put you in it. You’re reaction was priceless. In fact, that night you came closer than you ever had to actually laughing.

Speaking of laughing, why aren’t you doing that yet? According to the Week 12 baby development email I received 6 weeks ago, you should be laughing already. We have tried literally every single day to get you to laugh and yet you still refuse. Tickling doesn’t work. Making funny faces doesn’t work. We’ve tried everything we can think of and every day when we ultimately fail, we just look at each other and say in unison, “Welp, not today!” Seriously Super Baby, you’re over 4 months old. Just effing laugh!

It’s hard to be mad about you lack of laughter though, since you more than make up for it by your ever growing vocal abilities. I could listen to you “ooh” and “ahh” all day long. Your little noises are seriously so cute that if given the chance, it would easily broker a peace deal between the Israelies and Palestinians. I’d even go so far as to bet money that the noises you make when you have the sleepy sillies would have softened bin Laden’s heart into a big pile of goo.

Now that you’re starting to get a little older, you are much more fun to interact with. Your older brother Todd went from not giving you a passing glance to being the first one that wants to go and get you out of bed whenever you wake up. He’ll sit with you in the living room and play with you every chance he gets. It’s pretty sweet to watch the two of you “play” with each other. You’ve definitely become his favourite little person.

That’s just you though. Your budding little personality is so fun to witness. You delight anyone who crosses your path, smiling and coyly flirting with anyone who dares look your way. It’s kind of nice to take you out these days because your daddy and I can enjoy a nice meal outside of the house because you insist that the party of 8 at the table next to us pass you around until we are finished eating. Let it be known that your father and I won’t ever pass up some free babysitting, yo!

Seriously though. The good days far outnumber the bad. We’ve settled into this marvelous routine and I find myself thinking toward the future, knowing that these days are numbered and that it won’t be long before you’ll be blossoming into this amazing little girl. I’m looking forward to you getting older, but I’m enjoying these moments. You sure are one Super Baby.

Love,

Mama

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Month Two

Posted by July 27, 2011

Dear Baby C,

Today you turn 2 months old, which is incredible because it seems like it was only a few days ago that I was detailing Month One. Time sure does fly when you are drinking wine having fun!

In the last month you’ve started blooming into this really incredible little person. This is welcome news because I had started looking around for the box you came in. Then I got all pissed off because I couldn’t find the receipt. Then I remembered that the hospital has no return policy and I’m like, well what am I supposed to do now?

So, I started talking to you. Now, I’ve always talked at you, but once you turned a month old I decided to start talking to you. I talked and talked and talked and after a few weeks I had all but given up hope that you’d finally start talking back. And then do you know what happened? On the day you turned 8 weeks and 1 day, you started talking back. I mean, not talking with words, but you finally started responding with noises that weren’t screams. That’s my girl! And since then? Well, you still scream a lot. But you also have the most amazing baby noises. You “oohh” and “ahh” and “coo” and it is music to my ears.

This month we also went on a road trip. We got to see your grandparents, your great granny, and your great grandparents. It was a long trip (and one we’d not like to repeat any time soon since you are an anomaly and hate being in the car), but it was worth it.

You are blooming faster than I’d like though. While I won’t miss the sleepless nights or the screaming because you aren’t in the middle of everything going on around you, I know I will miss this period of blossoming. You are one Super Baby and I love you very much.

Love,

Mama

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Month One

Posted by June 27, 2011

Dear Baby C,

Well would you look at that? You’re a month old already and you aren’t dead yet. Better yet, your father and I aren’t dead yet either! This is great news because it means we must be doing something right, eh? Your first month has gone by so quickly that it’s hard to believe that just a month ago today I was absolutely certain I wasn’t ever going to go into labour. I kept putting off going to the hospital because I really worried that it was just another false alarm. But nope! Just a few short hours after arriving at the hospital, we finally got to meet you face to face.

See that face up there? That’s you in the hospital. See that face your making? You’ve made that exact face every single day since the day you were born. Judging by your already stubborn nature and your considerable willfulness, your nickname has come to be Miss Hissy. I wholeheartedly believe you are going to grow up believing that to be your actual name. Why? BECAUSE YOU HISS. ALL. THE. TIME. It’s astounding really that you’ve already mastered your first language, but neither your father nor myself speak Parseltounge, so if you could start talking English, that’d be swell.

See that face up there? You should do that more often. You’ve only been living here a month and you complain ALL THE TIME. The other day I told you to quit your bitchin and do you know what you did? YOU IGNORED ME. I’m begging you Miss Hissy. Please listen to your mama. Please?

See that face up there? DO MORE OF THAT ALSO PLEASE.

In all seriousness though, you are a good baby. You generally sleep really well, you eat ALL THE TIME, and you’ve started doing this thing in the morning when you wake up where you are actually pleasant. It’s a lot of fun and when your father wakes up in the morning to get ready for work, I make sure to include him so he gets to enjoy this part of your personality. I do this because without fail you start yelling at him once he gets home from work. Give the guy a break! It’s not his fault that he doesn’t have milk bags to suck on!

I want you to know that we’re doing our best here. And we’ll keep that up if you do. Deal?

Deal.

Love,

Mama

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The Arrival’s Gate

Posted by May 29, 2011

“Whenever she rolls over, or kicks, or stretches her body in a way that makes me remember she’s there, I instantly see her as a naked, wiggly baby. She has a head full of dark hair, she has light coloured eyes, and she has fair skin (all of this I’ve already talked of), but she has your eyes. She has your smile.”

Head full of dark hair? Check.
Light coloured eyes? Check.
Fair skin? Check.
Your eyes? Check.
Your smile? Time will tell but I am confident.

Our daughter came rushing into the world on May 27, and she is every bit as beautiful as I imagined. Perhaps even more so.

Her birth story will be forthcoming (and soon) although it’s a story I’m not likely to ever forget.

Dear Boy,

Thank you for everything that you’ve done and continue to do to make all of this possible. I love you beyond what words can ever hope to express.

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Je t’aime a la folie.

Posted by May 7, 2011

She tended to proceed with caution due to her fear of rejection. This attitude made it difficult for her to earn respect or develop close relationships. Her past (or perhaps just the past) had left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needing to feel secure and avoid further disappointment, she feared she would have been looked over (or worse, looked through), losing her position, and/or losing respect if she so much as dared breathe the innermost thoughts that had consumed her for almost a year at that juncture. She had little hope that things would get better and her negative attitude led her to place impossible demands on others (although others likely never had a clue about anything other than what she presented on the surface) which may or may not be wholly accurate since she did only manage a B+ in Acting.

But then, almost a year ago now to the day (and subsequently almost two years ago in total), the world changed.

Looking back on the seconds that turned into minutes that inevitably turned into hours, then days into weeks into months and so on, it’s difficult to remember all of the aforementioned du n’importe quoi.

The wisest things I’ve done since sharing those stolen moments that night in the street with you:

Learn that love is the answer to Every. Single. Thing. Just love. More love.

Decide that I was not broken, and that I didn’t need to be fixed.

Break down the walls built of terror, despair, and self-perceived failure.

And single-handedly on a sun-filled Saturday I will add, as if the alliteration somehow makes the magnitude all the more mighty.

If our fates are connected, we’ll continue to travel together. There’s no need to force anything. Everything will be alright, remember?

I care not about the possible repercussions of publicly confessing how right you were when you composed those words. The fact remains that you were astonishingly correct. It makes me question if it is not you who should be recognized responsible for proving somehow that fortune telling rivals modern day science in its quest for validity.

Our fates are forever to be connected, due in part because life would rather quickly cease its struggle for meaning if said fates behaved any other way. I used to worry or wonder how long it would be before we tumbled over an imaginary threshold and shatter into very real, pronounced pieces but you didn’t let that happen to us. I am very much aware now that not letting me self-destruct and incinerate you in the process presumptively required an unthinkable and tremendous effort on your part. Or perhaps it didn’t and I’m just being a little too dramatic for even my own liking.

Undeniably though, I don’t miss the way things were two years ago. My existence was a miserable one during that time when I could not, nor would not, allow myself to speak freely of my thoughts and much desired outcomes. Granting myself permission to verbalize what was once just an internal struggle has altered the direction of my life so dramatically that even now I am beyond stunned by how truly wonderful life became with you in mine.

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What is love?

Posted by April 23, 2011

There’s an entry coming up on my breakup with Target, but for now I’d prefer to write about something a lot more important.

I have been so incredibly stressed lately about a great number of things. (Getting ready to introduce a new little person into the world, work, not getting a paycheck for the foreseeable future; really the list could go on and on.) Despite all of the items on my unending List of Things to Worry About, there is one thing I know to be certain. In the grand scheme of things, everything will be OK. I know this to be true because this mantra hasn’t failed me yet.

I am so awestruck sometimes by the fierceness of the love I have for you. Likewise, I am equally awestruck by the love I know you have for me.

“As much as I wanted to be with him, I felt blessed just to know him, to have him in my life and to be able to show him my feelings in what little ways I could do so. The honour and privilege of being able to love him was enough for me.

Before the change of what we call the world, I could not have imagined how amazingly wonderful what it is that we have together. When I stop to admire the aspects of our relationship, over and over I realize how perfect our life is together. You are my best friend through and through. Being my lover is just an added bonus.

Whenever you pull me in close and press your forehead against mine, I realize how perfect this is. Whenever you flash me that cheeky grin of yours unexpectedly, I realize how perfect this is. Whenever I snuggle up with you on the couch, I realize how perfect this is. Whenever you give me room to vent about what is bothering me at any particular moment, I realize how perfect this is. Whenever you give yourself to me, physically or otherwise, I realize how perfect this is. Whenever you joke around (with me or with our 2 eldest children), I realize how perfect this is.Whenever our youngest approaches me just to place his hand on my belly, I realize how perfect this is. All of these things, coupled with everything else we have together, serve as a constant reminder of just how perfect this.

I love you more than you can measure. And I can honestly say, I always have. I’d like to believe that I would have been content to simply travel on an infinite parallel with you, but I am so glad I don’t have to live that way, constantly pondering a long list of, “what ifs?” I am so glad that our paths finally merged.

There is one thing you were/are wrong about though. My life did/does hinge on your reciprocity. (I have the post secret to prove it.) That revelation, however, will have to wait for another day. <3

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Reality Check

Posted by March 16, 2011

Dear You,

For someone who claims to be “happy” and to have “moved on” because things are “so much better,” you sure do have an interesting way of showing it. For the better part of a year now I’ve kept my mouth mostly shut because I didn’t feel as though I had any right to say anything but as more and more time passes, I’ve become more and more subjected to your bullshit and quite frankly my dear, I’m ready for you to grow up and be responsible for yourself and your actions.

Your latest little ruse is not at all surprising. What does surprise me is the fact that you are still being served the world on a silver platter and yet you continually use that platter to hold your steaming piles of shit.

I’ve got an idea! Why don’t you grow the fuck up and behave like the adult your age claims you to be? It’s not hard really. Get a job, keep it, act like a mother deserving of that beautiful little boy you have there, and act like you appreciate all of the things that are being given to you (e.g., the generous amount of child support you receive without fail, the free room and board, etc). Quit trying to take and take and take from others and instead get your ass off of that high horse of yours and start making something of yourself.

Claw hugs,

– Jewlee

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Thank You #2

Posted by March 6, 2011

Dear You,

What a difference a year makes, eh? This time last year you were telling me that you and your wife were going to be having a baby and I did my best to express my genuine happiness and joy for you. On the inside though I was torn and filled with jealous envy.

And then the world changed a few short months later and I find myself exactly where I longed to be a year ago. Funny how that happened.

As we were sitting in the bathtub earlier, I don’t think I did a very good job of explaining what I meant when I said that I feel more connected to this little one inside me than I ever did with the others. I mentioned that it may be because I’m older and I’m more aware of what is going on and what is to come. I touched a little on the fact that I can already picture her but I don’t think I conveyed just how strong that vision is.

Whenever she rolls over, or kicks, or stretches her body in a way that makes me remember she’s there, I instantly see her as a naked, wiggly baby. She has a head full of dark hair, she has light colored eyes, and she has fair skin (all of this I’ve already talked of), but she has your eyes. She has your smile.

Thank you for that. Thank you for giving her to me. To us. Yes, this pregnancy is hard and yes, it’s definitely terrifying to think about the fact that in a few short weeks we’ll have 4 children rather than 3. But I’m ready for this and I know you are too. And no matter how hard it gets, I know that I can count on you to be right here with me. This feeling of contentment, of joy, of sheer security makes life worth living. A life worth living with you.

Thank you. <3

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