When I find someone that I connect with, it’s usually of fair-to-moderate importance for me to keep that person around. And I pride myself on generally being pretty good at letting the other person know know (without saying the words of course), that I found some sort of a connection with them because I make an intentional effort to keep them current in my life.
But what is one supposed to do when the other that the connection is made with decides to terminate the relationship?
Apologies in advance for being so cryptic. I feel that I’ve done so, SO well with being really open and honest and revealing about my life and current state of affairs. This is different though, if only because I’m trying to deal with this situation in the most rational and sensible way possible. Only… what’s going on inside my brain is neither rational nor sensible.
But there’s the rub.
I can (for the most part) immediately recognize when I’m being overly-emotional about the situation (although that doesn’t make the situation feel any better or hurt any less).
I am completely aware of how absurd it is that I have come to blame a structure for this loss and therefore have come to loathe said structure entirely. So much so, that sometimes I find myself loathing each and every single event that lead up to finding said structure in the first place (and this means linking events going back to many, many years ago – which again is just absurd)! And I know this thought pattern to be absurd, because under any and all other circumstances, I absolutely adore this structure and knew upon finding its treasures that it was meant for me to find.
Regardless though. I’m losing someone who, in a very short amount of time, I’ve grown to trust. (That’s kind of a big deal.)
This is someone who I feel like I have already shared so much of my life with, someone I’ve completely opened up to, someone who has seen and heard the raw pieces of my soul.
This is someone who very quickly made me see that it really was worth it to start picking up the pieces (again).
This is someone who allowed me room to come to the belief that it was worth something to start thinking about myself, enough to actually start thinking. About myself, so that I wasn’t just living life on auto-pilot any longer (which was a HUGE realization).
This is someone who is partially responsible for the recent release of creativity because I was able to make the realization that I had been living on auto-pilot for far too long.
This is someone who less than 2 weeks ago, had helped me to fix enough of what was broken that I wrote this, and maybe that’s really what all of this is about.
I met this person with a lot of hope and with no hope, and certainly with no expectations. And this person gave me so much more than I ever expected. And none of this would have happened if I hadn’t assumed the role of my own catalyst to implement the steps needed to impact my own change.
Which puzzles me on the grandest of scales.
This is someone who came across my radar when I felt like I was at my darkest. And losing this someone makes me feel like I am heading towards a darkness I am just beginning to find my way out of. And yet, working from inside out, is heading from darkness into the light.
So, which way am I really heading?