Am I afraid of what I am capable or incapable of?

I started writing many years ago and thanks to various changes in circumstances, lifestyle, and mental health, I’ve found passion for it again. The following comes partially from a short letter I wrote to someone very dear to me several years ago. The rest is an… expansion? Explosion? Expansive explosion? I’m not sure.

“The older I grow, the more I notice how fast time passes. I’ve spent so much time thinking about when the day will come that my life is all that I want it to be. Only, as each day passes, I find myself growing more and more fearful that the mental snapshot of what my life should be may never be realized. I’ve become far too focused on thinking about the day I make that realization and not nearly focused enough on cultivating life itself into what I want it to be!

Typically, I do not think of myself as a fearful person. Unless, of course, I am thinking!”

How is it, that as human beings, we are all too often found guilty of these very same thought processes? Where do we learn these sticky thoughts that do nothing but limit our potential, hinder our growth, and keep us afraid that we are unworthy of love and/or life? Where did these voices come from that yell but with barely a whisper, immediately shutting us down, defeating us so strongly that we quickly learn to listen, thereby becoming afraid of anything that may force us to reach out and ask for help?

It’s one thing to notice these thoughts and voices and to make the realizations it takes to ask these questions in the first place. It is quite another to undo the damage that the above creates.

Personally, I have come to the realization that there are at least two necessary variables needed to simplify this expression — t and c.

The t represents time and the c represents choice.

Much in the way that I have not gained a lot of weight or lost a lot of weight in a matter of days or weeks, matters such as these simply take time. Now that I have made this realization, I can allow myself to accept this. I can stop being willful and fighting against something of which I have zero control over. And this willingness gives me extra time so that I can devote it to matters more important, like choice.

Rather than question if I am more afraid of my capability or my incapability, from now on I will choose to spend my time assuming the role of my own catalyst to implement the steps needed to impact my own change. And this will be fabulous.

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