at least one of us is sleeping

i don’t mind sleeping with you but you could at least give a girl some space.

SCOOT OVER.

6 months into the 30th Year…

Welp, I figure it’s about time for a check-in. Don’t you? Here’s an up-to-date version of the list:

In the next year, I will:

I will have my children by my side. (Check.)

Be completely out of debt. (I’m close! My Experian score is 726!)

Purchase my first house. (Not yet. And not for at least another 2 years.)

Sell my current car (if I can get it running properly), and buy a new(er) car. (I’m working on it. I don’t know if I want to trade my car in and buy, or just buy. Regardless, I’ve got my eye on this lovely Hyundai Sante Fe.)

Audition for a show at Seaworld (although I haven’t decided if it will be Viva, or the ski show). (I can’t figure out why this is even on the list. It’s just not important anymore.)

Sing and dance when I feel like it. (Yes. Yes. Yes.)

“I will not hold myself back. I will listen to my instincts, trust that I do have the answers, and be confident in knowing I am making the right choices. Most of all, I will remember that I am only 30 years of age, and I will be grateful for every step I take after that eventful move.”

Oh, how those words ring true. I’ve been inspired to write more. Stay tuned. I promise the next update won’t take 6+ months.

well, here we go…

I am hours away from beginning The 30th Year and I am bewildered and awed at how I got to this place. When I began The 20th Year, I could not envision myself even getting to this point. But here I am, and what’s more, I’m thrilled beyond measure. I’m saying goodbye to my 20s and embarking upon what I believe will be the greatest part of my life. I’ve blossomed, and bloomed, and screamed and kicked to get here, and there is no turning back.

During the course of the next 365 days, I will accomplish what I’ve scribbled down on my list thus far, and I hope that in the coming weeks, and months, the list continues to grow as I stretch myself and continue sculpting myself into this beautiful person I’ve been becoming.

In the next year, I will:

I will have my children by my side.

Be completely out of debt.

Purchase my first house.

Sell my current car (if I can get it running properly), and buy a new(er) car.

Audition for a show at Seaworld (although I haven’t decided if it will be Viva, or the ski show).

Sing and dance when I feel like it.

Will not hold myself back. I will listen to my instincts, trust that I do have the answers, and be confident in knowing I am making the right choices. Most of all, I will remember that I am only 30 years of age, and I will be grateful for every step I take after that eventful move.

Life is a gift. My life is a story. I’m ecstatic I’m at a place where life feels like the most wonderful verb in the world, and I am looking forward to sharing it with each and every one of you.

countdown…

Glynnis: Mom? Did they have cameras that took colored pictures when you were a little girl? Or was it just in black and white?

Me: *blink* … Glynnis, are you being serious?

Glynnis: Yes? I was just thinking about it and I wanted to know if cameras could take colored pictures when you were a little girl. What? Why are you looking at me like that? YOU’RE OLD!

Another Item on The List

I’m adding another item to the list of things I will accomplish in The 30th Year.

Body. Suspension.

(see it here.)

my subconscious mind makes me lol

Sores (In my dream it was chicken pox, although I’ve never had chicken pox before.)
To dream that you have sores on your body, suggests that you are keeping in some negative emotions and attitudes that need to be released and expressed. Consider the symbolism of the body area where the sores are located. Perhaps the dream is an indication that you are still feeling sore and resentful about some situation or relationship.

Politician (In my dream it was Rod Blagojevich, but he was my doctor.)
To see a politician in your dream, suggests that you need to choose and take a side. The dream parallels a decision that you need to make in your waking life. Alternatively, the politician may reflect your desires for political office or your interest of world affairs.

Doctor (See above.)
To dream that you are seeing the doctor, indicates your need for emotional and spiritual healing. 

Snow
To see snow in your dream, signifies your inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.
To dream that you are playing in the snow, indicates that you need to set some time for fun and relaxation. Alternatively, you need to take advantage of any opportunities that arise; otherwise such opportunities will disappear.

Snowboarding
To dream that you or someone is snowboarding indicates that you are overcoming your fears. You are utilizing your skills.

westin weekend

There is much to write about. Many things have changed.

I recently transitioned into a new department at work. I am now doing what is considered “technical writing” and I never knew I could love my job EVEN MORE. I am still learning the roles and spend the majority of my day feeling like a small fish in a big pond, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It’s new, and exciting, and so different from what the last 3+ years have been like. Tomorrow I start on this HUGE project that is slated to last for several years. While I likely won’t be doing it until its completion, I am thrilled to be a part of its infancy. Getting to work with people I admire and aspire to be, I feel fulfilled on a deeper level than I thought possible.

That being said, I was not one of The Chosen. In fact, no one from my department was selected in The Big Bad except for management, and while that is quite hard to take because I loved working with them, I am happy to have been spared and to be able to continue to work at what I love.

This weekend has been a long one. I traveled to Sulphur Springs on Thursday with children in tow. On some levels it was nice to take them back to a place I called home for many years. On others, it was incredibly difficult but we made the best of it. It’s never fun to have to fight with someone in a court of law, which was the whole premise for the trip. Sitting in the judge’s chamber, I broke down a few times during the hearing simply because I never imagined it would have to come to this. Afterwards, the attorney comforted me as best she could, telling me that it truly was up to the judge’s decision on the outcome. While the outcome certainly was in my favor, I couldn’t help but feel like I had done something wrong. As we were leaving the chambers, the attorney bluntly said that she will never understand why people have children if they cannot or will not take care of them and she sees all to often, parents who attempt to refuse to support children of a previous marriage after they’ve chosen to have more children with their second, or third wife. I will say that the judge’s decision was swayed even larger in my favor after the beginning of the hearing heard testimony that custody was not an issue and that both of us were in agreement that managing conservatorship was to be appointed to me. It was only after details of how much support was to be due that the custody issue came into question. The look on the judge’s face said it all and I too was floored that having custody of the children was a non-issue until an amount was calculated. Once all calculations were put on the table, it was said that instead of having to pay child support, he’d rather just have custody of the children. The judge looked at me point blank and asked if this was something I would be willing to fight for. I didn’t have to think about it. I will fight with everything in me to keep them here, support or not. They are better off with me and the both of them would attest to that. Since arriving here over 6 months ago, they have both thrived beyond anything I could have expected. My daughter being accepted into the gifted program just a few months after starting school. My son finally getting treatment for his social and mental needs. Not to mention both of them having underlying medical issues that would have likely gone untreated or unnoticed if they hadn’t moved here. I stand firm in my resolve that despite the fact that I cannot give them everything their father could, they are better off here, than there. What saddens me though is that in the last 6 months, they’ve had little contact with their father, and almost zero contact with their little sister and absolutely no contact with their step mother. And now he wants to raise the issue of custody? No sir. I will not sit idle and let you take them simply because you don’t want to pay child support. What a selfish reason to want custody in the first place. Especially after talking about it over the course of the last 3 years, always maintaining that once the tour in England was over, they would come to be with me afterwards. Everything I have worked towards, and built, and sacrificed is for them. Now I am able to live the mental image I had built in my head. They are here and they will continue to be here. I will not give this up without a serious, serious fight.

To make the trip more substantial, we drove to Dallas on Friday after the hearing and arrived at around 3 pm which was perfect because we missed a good majority of rush hour traffic. We checked into our room on the 15th floor of The Westin and by nights end had enjoyed a wonderful dinner, found mommy a bathsuit, and enjoyed the pool on the roof of the 4th floor. Saturday we enjoyed ice skating, an awesome dinner, more pool time, and fancy living. Sunday saw us checking out and heading over the American Girl Boutique & Bistro for brunch which was incredible. Afterwards we made the drive the home. I have a delicious bruise and cut on my right knee. Apparently my leg felt the need to eat the blade of someone’s ice skate. Not to be outdone, my left knee banged itself up pretty good, as did my forearm. But it was worth it to see Todd enjoy ice skating as much as he did. He’s naturally picks up on things pretty quickly and ice skating was no different. He couldn’t stop zooming by to talk about how good he was.

So that’s all I have time for tonight. Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week and I need to get ready for it.

willing or willfull?

There are not many things I am sure about, however, I can truthfully say that I am ready for whatever comes. Whether I stay or go, I will be open and eager to explore any and all opportunities presented to me, directly or indirectly.

There will be much crying though, if I am one of The Chosen. There may also be some yelling and some escorting out of the building. I told you, I’m keeping all options on the table.

If I am one of The Chosen, I think I may decide to finally start college. Yay school! But I’ll need to decide what I want to be when I grow up. That is after, of course, figuring out where we will relocate to. The top of the list include the following:

Chicago, IL

Denver, CO

Baltimore, MD

Portland, OR

Who’s with me? [ :

if i kiss you where it’s sore, will you feel better?

It could be something simple, manageable, etc. As a mother though I usually tend to focus on “worst case scenario” but for This? I must refuse.

Yes, there is something wrong. Yes, something is going on. But until something definitive comes back, I will not allow myself to think the worst, nor will I allow myself to even consider the implications of This.

As I hugged by baby girl tonight (at her request, which happens too few and far between these days), I couldn’t help but notice her bright blue eyes. I stopped myself before the tears welling in my own were large enough for detection. She refused dinner tonight because of other headache, (something that happens far too often for my liking). Is this recurring symptom a part of This? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.

A few days ago I was speaking to a couple of coworkers about The Big Bad at work. I commented that to me, the worst 3 words in the world weren’t “I hate you”, but rather, “I don’t know”. Once again this speaks to me.

Love me or hate me, I care not. But not knowing is the absolute worst thing for me. I realize that with this recognition I must also reach a level of acceptance in order to move past this. I have made the realization but I will never accept the passiveness, the unnerving unknown, the head down and eyes closedness of “I don’t know”. It’s not in any fibre of my being.

Speaking of work and The Big Bad, I came to the realization many days ago that quite frankly, I do not care enough to worry about it. That’s not to say that I don’t care, because I do. Muchly. But several weeks ago I happened upon the understanding that quite unknowingly, I have placed myself in a decidedly strategic position. It had nothing to do with thinking strategy but more to do with my curious nature, but I feel like I am in a good place. Almost great. Hopefully by week’s end I’ll know whether I’ll be moving on or moving out. I’m betting more on the former however this confidence should not be confused for arrogance. I understand that we are all likely on the same chopping block, but comparatively speaking, I know what I’m doing and moreso I know what I want to do and in an environment such as ours, I feel this outlook is well served. One way or another we will see. I just hope it doesn’t bite me in the butt.

An unlikely conversation had tonight leads me to think that perhaps there is something larger than us out there. The words spoken were meaningful and heartfelt and for that to come from someone I really effed over at one point, I am grateful if not glad. This person springs into life whenever I least expect it, but it is always taken with as much appreciation and love as possible. I am very very lucky to have reconnected with this person from my past. Especially when I typically have no use for such ghosts. The conversation tonight only reinforces this thought. Thank you times infinity still isn’t enough to express how I feel about it.

Goodnight all. Until next time…

I wonder despite knowing the answer…

I wonder how it feels to know that you broke the most important promise ever.

I wonder how it feels to know that she could never love them the way an ‘other’ mother should.

I wonder how it feels to know that she’s completely removed them from your life.

I wonder how it feels that you let her?

I wonder why I’m even asking. If this is some sort of sick payback because you had them first and you didn’t feel like I cared, then that is the lowest of lows. They need you more than you can measure. They feel like they’ve been replaced (their words) and that you care more about her and her and him than you do about them. She was Daddy’s Little Girl until she came around. Now she’s no one’s little girl, despite how hard I try to keep her so. Your son? He feels passionate enough to call you, to share with you something that he deems so absolutely important in the moment and leaves you the most heartbreaking messages to which you never respond.

How do you do it? How do you live with yourself and the choices you’ve made to push them out of your life completely so that you can accomodate such a selfish, insecure, immature “step mother”? How could you make the decision to marry her only because she was pregnant? How could you be so foolish to sleep with her only because you were lonely and not use protection? You knew her for a matter of weeks before she got pregnant. How does that make you feel? That you decided out of obligation rather than love to marry such an awful person? Awful if only because she resented our children from the moment she roped you in and viewed them not as *your* children, but *mine*, and THAT itself made them second-class by association.

How could you?

How could you?

How could you?

I thought WE were better than that. I thought that even though things didn’t work out, that we shared a bond that could never be broken. I am many things but naive is not one trait among them. At least, not anymore.

I now see just how naive I was in trusting that you would always be there for them and would always show them THAT WAS TRUE. Regardless of whether WE were together or not.

They do not cry for you. They don’t often even talk about you anymore. Not because they’ve forgotten about you, but because they are beginning to understand that you just don’t care about them anymore. Out of sight? Out of mind?

Is that how you wanted this?

Is that how you want this?

This is what it is. This is what it will continue to be. I can admit my share of mistakes for hindsight is truly 20-20. I spend every minute of every hour of every day making that up to them x 2. I have to work twice as hard. To make up for everything that you are lacking.